Nuts and Souls

Next three articles relate to Police, FBI & IRS

Courtesy of Grace H.

Dog Siesta

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. 

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Get Well Message

MAKE SURE TO READ MOM'S REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE

Dear Mrs. Jones, 
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer..  I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had.  Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it.  Sarah¢s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.  From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. 

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Smith 

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY
(This was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998):

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast-some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?    THINK AGAIN.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.  She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.  His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. Same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them a the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.  

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.  She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.  

Now THAT is a bad day…

Subject: Don't mess with Greeks

*A lawyer and a Greek  are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Greeks are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Greek  would like to play a fun game.  The Greek is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Greek s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Greek  doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Greek 's turn.

He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Greek and hands him $500.
The Greek pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the Greek  up and asks:

'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Greek reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Courtesy of D Johnson

AGELESS  WIT AND  OBSERVATIONS

As true today as it was yesterday.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. 
     -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. 
Frederic Bastiat,  Economist (1801-1850)

  Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
     -Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. 
                  -Will Rogers

  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! 
     -P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. 
    -Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! 
                -Pericles (430 B.C.)

  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
   -Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
     -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    -Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
     -Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
    -Mark Twain

  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
    -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) 

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
   -Thomas Jefferson

Courtesy of Souheil

-----Subject: Bubba's 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special
day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for
their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat
..and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, 'it's my 21st bi rthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in
January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.
 

BBQ RULES 

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 
Routine... 

(1) The woman buys the food. 
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert . 
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 

Here comes the important part: 

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 
More routine... 
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat . 

Important again: 

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 
More routine... 
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. 
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

And most important of all:

 
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Senior moments

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
 
 

Courtesy of Don J.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.  In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother Tried to understand what made all the difference.  Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no Longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"  Little Zachary looked at her and Shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms?"  "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Courtesy of Hilda,

a man's dilemma:

"Why I fired my Secretary"

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...  Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.  As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,  when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.  Let's go !'

We went to lunch.  But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.  I'll be right back.'  'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.
 

Courtesy of Andre K

 Pilot and the Minister

 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,

"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

Courtesy of Tom K.

 Cancel your credit cards before you die

 This is funny unless you have tried to close an acount for someone who has died. 

 Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case. 
 
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank
billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.  The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. 
 
A family member placed a call to Citibank: 
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January" 
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."  
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."  
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." 
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"  
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" 
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"  
Citibank: "Excuse me?"  
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you? … ¦the part about her being dead?" 
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." 

Supervisor gets on the phone: 
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." 
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." 
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" 
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" 
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) 
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" 
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) 

After they get the fax: 
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." 
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." 
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." 
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" 
Citibank: "That might help." 
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." 
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" 
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Courtesy of Joe S.

On a chain of Beautiful Deserted Islands

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded, each on their own island:

 1. Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
2. Two French men and one French woman.
3. Two German men and one German woman.
4. Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
5. Two English men and one English woman.
6. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
7. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
8. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
9. Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
10. Two American men and one American woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

1. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
2. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
4. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
5. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
6. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to the English Island.
7. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

9. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a couple of liters of coconut whiskey; however, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

10. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

 Courtesy of Maureen M.

 This one was too funny not to share! :-D

 At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me e-mails over the past 12 months.  Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

 Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists.

 I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

 I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

 I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogen's they contain will turn me gray.

 I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub filled with ice.

 I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

 I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

 I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.)

 I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

 I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 Yes, I want to thank all of you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

 If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

 I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

 Honest!

 PS No trees were killed in sending this message; however, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

 "Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present"

Courtesy of Andre K

 Royalty Ranks

 An obviously gay flight attendant seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: 

“The captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly; lovely people, sooo you could just put up your traaayzz, that would be supper.” 

 On his trip back to first class, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. 

“Perhaps you did not hear me over those big brute aingines. 

I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said:  “In my country, I am called a princess.  I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat: 

“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I am called a Queen, so I outrank you.  PUT THE TRAY UP, BITCH.” 

Flash Backfire

 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said,  “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub”. 

THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

    A three year  old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
 
   "Mama," he asked,  "Are these my  brains?"
 
   Mama answered,   "Not yet."

 Will I Live To Be 80?

  I recently picked a new primary care physician.  After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

 A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink  beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied.  "I'm not doing either."

 Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing  golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

 He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I  said.  "I don't do any of those things."

 He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80?"

Courtesy of Antoine J. H.

 Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
  (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not,
  But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Michigan : First Line Of Defense... From The Canadians
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
  Very Little Else
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Nevada : Hookers and Poker!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
  Attorney...
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Oregon : Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Tennessee : The Educashun State
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Texas : Sí, Hablo Ingles
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Vermont : Yep
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Washington : We have more rain than you do
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Washington , D.C. : Wanna Be Mayor?
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  West Virginia : One Big Happy Family... Really!
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Wyoming : Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information
can continue in an effective manner.
 
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
 
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
 INSTEAD OF:  And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
 
4) TRY SAYING:  I'm certain that isn't feasible.
 INSTEAD OF:  No f______ way.
 
5) TRY SAYING:  Really?
 INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh__ing me!
 
6) TRY SAYING:  Perhaps you should check with...
 INSTEAD OF:  Tell someone who gives a sh__.
 
7) TRY SAYING:  I wasn't involved in the project.
 INSTEAD OF:  It's not my f______ problem.
 
8) TRY SAYING:  That's interesting.
 INSTEAD OF:  What the f___?
 
9) TRY SAYING:  I'm not sure this can be implemented.
 INSTEAD OF:  This sh__ won't work.
 
10)TRY SAYING:  I'll try to schedule that.
 INSTEAD OF:  Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
 
11)TRY SAYING:  He's not familiar with the issues.
 INSTEAD OF:  He's got his head up his a__.
 
12)TRY SAYING:  Excuse me, sir?
 INSTEAD OF:  Eat sh__ and die.
 
13)TRY SAYING:
 So you weren't happy with it?
 INSTEAD OF:
 Kiss my a__.
 
14)TRY SAYING:
 I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
 INSTEAD OF:
 F___ it, I'm on salary.
 
15)TRY SAYING:
 I don't think you understand.
 INSTEAD OF:
 Shove it up your a__.
 
16)TRY SAYING:
 I love a challenge.
 INSTEAD OF:
 This job sucks.
 
17)TRY SAYING:
 You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF:
 Who the h___ died and made you boss?
 
18)TRY SAYING:
 He's somewhat insensitive.
 INSTEAD OF:
 He's a pr_ck.
 
Thank You,
Human Resources

New wine for seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

Confessions in the Dark

 A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. 

Unbeknownst to her, her 12 year old son was hiding in the closet. 

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. 

The boy now has company.

 Boy: "Dark in here."
  Man: "Yes it is."
  Boy: "I have a baseball."
  Man: "That's nice."
  Boy: "Want to buy it?"
  Man: "No, thanks."
  Boy: "My dad's outside."
  Man: "OK, how much?"
  Boy: "$250."

 In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and  the mom's lover are in the closet together.
  Boy: "Dark in here."
  Man: "Yes, it is."
  Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
  Man: "How much?"
  Boy: "$750."
  Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.  Let's go outside and toss the baseball." 
The boy says, "I can't.  I sold them." 
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" 
The son says, "$1,000." 

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge you friends like that.  That is way more than those two things cost.  That's a sin.  I'm going to take you to church and let you confess." 
They go to church and the father alerts the priest. 
He tells the little boy to kneel in the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."   

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!

Subject: FW: Thanks!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making mefeel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drinkPepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
 
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our  American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to  Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant  freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258^th time).
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
 
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will let-go on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!!!

FW:  DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES

1.  Speeding, stopped by Police

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to  see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

*****************************************

2.  LOL & vacuum salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady, "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity yesterday."

Courtesy of Lamis

Sleeping in Church

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband  is at work.  Unbeknownst to her, her 12 year old son was hiding in the closet.  Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.  The boy now has company.

  Boy: "Dark in here."
  Man: "Yes it is."
  Boy: "I have a baseball."
  Man: "That's nice."
  Boy: "Want to buy it?"
  Man: "No, thanks."
  Boy: "My dad's outside."
  Man: "OK, how much?"
  Boy: "$250."

 In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and  the mom's lover are in the closet together.
  Boy: "Dark in here."
  Man: "Yes, it is."
  Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
  Man: "How much?"
  Boy: "$750."
  Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your  glove.  Let's go outside and toss the baseball."  The boy says, "I can't.  I sold them."  The father asks, "How much  did you sell them for?"  The son says, "$1,000." 

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge you friends like that.  That is way more than those two things cost.  That's a sin.  I'm going to take you to church and let you confess."  They go to church and the father alerts the priest.  He tells the little boy to kneel in the confessional and closes the door.

  The boy  says, "Dark in here."

  The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. 

 Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."  The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest.

Subject: Kindergartners
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 04:50:03 +0000

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher  insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said: "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

I love this.....

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said;

"Winnie the SHIT."