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Courtesy of Andre in Paris,

History Lesson:  Lincoln & Kennedy

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading

 

******************

An interesting story about the value of a second opinion: 

 The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.  When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that, without his headaches, he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.  He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the salesman said.  Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha!  I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      .......New suit - $400
      .......New shirt - $36
      .......New underwear - $6
      .......Second Opinion – PRICELESS

 Have a Great Day,

From Samia C:

One day, Thibodeaux was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Boudreaux driving a brand new Chevy Z71 Pickup. Boudreaux pulled up to him with a big wide grin.
 
 "Boudreaux, where'd you get that pretty Chevy Z71 pickup?!!!?"
 
 "Alice gave it to me" Boudreaux replied.
 
 "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on you, but a new Chevy Z71?"
 
 "Well, Thibodeaux, I'm gonna tell you what happened. I was riding with Alice. and we was driving out on Hwy 308 in the middle of nowhere. Alice pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the
 truck, got out, threw off all her clothes, lay back on the grass and said, 'Boudreaux, take whatever you want.'
 
 So! me, I took the truck!!!"
 
 "Boudreaux, you a very smart man!. Them clothes woulda neva fit you anyhow!"

Caution, this is not for the fainthearted.

Courtesy of Rita R

INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

Courtesy of George K, San Jose, CA

Driver's License Privacy?

 This works...I just tried mine. Scary  OK, this is just too much! Can  you say "privacy?" As in, "where is our right to  it???" I definitely  removed mine. I suggest you all do the same.... 

 Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including   your own! It asks for U.S. info but it works for Canada, too. I just   searched for mine and there it was ... picture and all! 

 Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name, City and   province to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the  screen,  click the box marked "Please Remove". 

 This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law  enforcement.  http://www.license.shorturl.com   

*******************

AN  ALTERNATIVE  RETIREMENT  HOME 

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.  The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.  I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.  That leaves $65 a day for:

1.  Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2.  I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3.  Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4.  They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5.  They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.  An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6.  I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7.  T.V. broken?  Light bulb need changing?  Need to have the mattress replaced?  No Problem!  They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8.  Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9.  If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare.  If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 

Now hold on for the best!  Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go.  So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S.  And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

 

Courtesy of Andre

 In a small Central American country

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing Squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and WON! ...  STAY WITH ME.

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed never the less, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

You are Driving Me Crazy...

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, And the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double Dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Courtesy of C.J. in S.F. CA, USA

Natural Born Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"   The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."   The boss says, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
 

Author

Topic: HAPPY ENDING

Tony Moujaes Member Member # 24   posted 07-29-2004 02:39 PM                    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she ! had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid ! quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ....including the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Courtesy of Caryl, SF

I hope you remember Abbott and Costello

Updated "Who's on First?

  Lou Costello Tries to Buy a Computer from Bud Abbott

  ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer   store): Can I help you? 
  COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my   den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: Your computer?
  COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: What about Windows?
  COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
  ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
  COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
  ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
  COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
  ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
  COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write  proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What have you  got?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend  anything?
  ABBOTT: I just did.
  COSTELLO: You just did what?
  ABBOTT: Recommend something.
  COSTELLO: You recommended something?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: For my office?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
  ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
  COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,  I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a my proposal. What do I need?
  ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
  ABBOTT: Word in Office.
  COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
  ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
  COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
  ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue  "W."
  COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some  straight  answers.OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the  Internet?
  ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
  COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I  watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
  ABBOTT: Real One.
  COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2. 3 & 4. Can I watch  them?
  ABBOTT: Of course.
  COSTELLO: Great, with what?
  ABBOTT: Real One.
  COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch  a movie. What do I do?
  ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
  COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
  ABBOTT: The blue "1."
  COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
  ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is  Word.
  COSTELLO: What word?
  ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for  windows!"
  ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word  in the world.
  COSTELLO: It is?
  ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other  Words left. It pretty  much wiped out all the other Words out there.
  COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
  ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of  Office.
  COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,  you have anything I can track my money with?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
  ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
  COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
  ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
  How much?
  ABBOTT: One copy.
  COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
  COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
... ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

Courtesy of Silva ABZ

Do Housewives have it Easy?

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.  He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.  You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year

Courtesy of Tony M., Texas

Hazards or opportunities of playing Golf

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Courtesy of Andre K, Paris

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

  (Hardly seems worth it.)


  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)



A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


 
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

  (I know some people like that.)


 
Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...In other words, send it to everyone.

******************

Riding a "Dead Horse"

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
 
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced liberal strategies are often employed, such as:
 
1. Buying a stronger whip.
 
2. Changing riders.  
 
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
 
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
 
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
 
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.  

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do other horses.  

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course,  

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
 

Courtesy of Pia, Paris

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down into Hell.

The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful Green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter waiting for him ..

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."  So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented Souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell.  Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot… hot and miserable.

The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.  "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

 The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Day before yesterday we were campaigning .......... today you voted for us."

Courtesy of Suzan...

Men’s Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.  These are Men's rules! Please note, these are all Numbered "1".

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down.  We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! *Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such*topics as sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.  Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
Peace on Earth, MAYBE

Courtesy of George el Rahbani                              Only in Japan...

Courtesy of Andre in Paris

The Secret to a better Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the be-jesus out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Author

Topic: ALGEBRA = AL GABER

Victoria Member Member # 26   posted 12-30-2003 12:27 PM                    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is certain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks." Posts: 250 | From: San Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged

Courtesy of Suzan

The Reporter and the Farmer

Courtesy of Andre K, Paris

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable  behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

************

Digital Camera for Sale

Courtesy of Samia C.

******************************

Courtesy of Sandy M.

Courtesy of Silva A.

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman  -  - 
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

"Your future depends on your dreams" ... So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk


"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
 <http://g.msn.com/8HMBENUS/2746??PS=>
 

*********************

What a man is waiting for:!

 

 

A woman who is a perfect "10"

 

A woman who can cook like his mother.

 

A woman who keeps a clean house.

 

 A woman who does not nag.

 

 A woman who can stretch a dollar.

 

A woman who can work all day

 

 and dance all night.

 

 A woman who will love only him.

  

He is still waiting!!!

***************************************
 

Author

Topic: laughs ....laughs......laughs...

Victoria Member Member # 26   posted 05-14-2003 03:19 PM                    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. _____________________________________________ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." __________________________________________________ The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water.  And then you dump the stock. _______________________________________________ New Sex Study... It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead... ___________________________________________ This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ___________________________________________ Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." __________________________________________________ A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. ________________________________________________ A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ______________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." _____________________________________________________ If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? The one that's labeled "IDAHO" ______________________________________________________ Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "******* !" afterwards. Posts: 190 | From: San Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged

Courtesy of Mona, 

Time Up!